Slagmag

White House Demands Resignation From Boehner's Tanning Team

2010-08-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C.- White House press secretary Robert Gibbs has fired the latest salvo in his pitched battle with House Minority Leader John Boehner.
Responding to the Ohio Republican's demand that President Obama's economic team resign, Gibbs retorted that it's Boehner's "tanning team that should resign."
"I can only speak for myself, but if I had asked for the economic team to step down, I would have at least made sure that my base tan and applications were even," hammered Gibbs. "Maybe Representative Boehner's team down at Malibu Tans should think about resigning too then."
In a further sign that Boehner's hue is drawing more attention than his political message, a recent USA Today Poll shows that 63% of respondents falsely identify Boehner as actor George Hamilton, while 12% believe that he is in someway related to "The Situation" from Jersey Shore."

In Wake of Scandal, Vatican Launches New "Pontifapants" For Kids, Teens

2010-04-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

As the Catholic Church continues to deal with a pedophile scandal that only seems to be gaining more steam, Vatican officials have announced the launch of a new line of bishop-proof pants for children and teens.
The "Pontifipants" will come in several styles and cuts and will be equipped with a special security code that can be set by parents before any church function. Once deployed, the "Pontifapants" can only be removed by entering the 4-8 digit code. Any attempt to lower or remove the pants will set off an alarm.
Cardinal Walter Kaspar, a top Vatican official, says that the initial line of "Pontifapants" will be available in Western Europe on May 1st. Sales won't begin in North America until July 1st, but pre-orders can be made now at www.vatican.va.

Thanks to iPad, Reading Now Can Take Place In Any Room In Your House

2010-04-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

While the debate rages on about the merits of Steve Job's new device, it's hard to argue over the impact that the new iPad will have on reading.
"I can't wait until Saturday," says Seth Audin, a 32 year-old DBA from Portland. "Being able to read a book or the New York Times anywhere I go in the house is going to be incredible."
Audin, however, knows that not everybody shares his enthusiasm for the iPad. In fact, Garret Townsend, a colleague of Audin's, hasn't been shy about pointing out all the standard features that will be missing from the iPad.
"It doesn't do anything a computer does", blasts Townsend, adding, "And I can't wait to see Seth carrying around this gigantic iPad in his tiny, effeminate hands," says Townsend. "He's such a fan boy too, sometimes I want to punch him right in the iNads."
Audin believes that critics who spend too much time pointing out what the iPad doesn't have are failing to see what it can do. "I think when people see me being able to look at photos, listen to music, and watch videos anywhere I want, even out at a coffee shop, they are going to wish they had an iPad like me," says Audin.

GOP Removes Balls From House Gymnasium, Will Take Them Home Until Further Notice

2010-03-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

In reaction to yesterday's historic health care reform vote, GOP lawmakers have reportedly removed all basketballs, soccer balls, and dodge balls from the House gymnasium today.
"Screw this. I'm out of here," said House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), carrying a burlap sack full of various sports balls over his shoulder. "Hope the Dems enjoy trying to play H-O-R-S-E without a ball today at lunch. Jerks."
In addition to the balls, reports are also emerging that a significant amount of jacks, jump ropes, and hopscotch chalk is also missing.

In Effort To Gather Support For Health Care Bill, White House Throws In $20 Gift Card to Applebee's

2010-03-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

In a clear sign of president Barack Obama's deepening resolve to pass health care reform, the White House announced today that "every American family will receive a $20 gift card to Appleebee's if the health care bill becomes law."
As expected, Republicans seized on the proposal, with Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) citing it as "another example of the White House being out of touch with the will of the people. Everybody knows that Waffle House, Chick-Fil-A, or Cracker Barrel would have been far better choices."
Immediate reaction from the public, however, seems to show broad support for the so called "Applebee's Rider".
"It's about time Washington got something done," says Terry Phillips, a 32 year-old unemployed autoworker from Dearborn, Michigan. "I don't really give a shit about what's in the bill, but I do know that my old lady loves her some Riblets. Maybe that will keep her yap shut for an hour or two."

Nation Rejoices as HBO and Tom Hanks Team Up To Tell The Never Before Told Story of World War II

2010-03-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

After decades of wallowing in obscurity, the untold story of something called "World War II" will finally be brought to life by actor/producer Tom Hanks and HBO in a new series called "The Pacific", airing this weekend.
"Finally the untold story of our nation's secret war to defeat National Socialism in Europe and Imperial Japan in the Pacific will emerge at last from the shadows," says head writer Felix Stoneweiler. "I think people are going to be pretty surprised to learn what took place between 1939 and 1945 on pretty much every continent of the globe."
"I proud that we are filling this huge gap in our nation's history because I was always shocked that such a riveting story as this had never been portrayed in books, movies, or even video games before," explains assistant director Shane Morrison. "One wonders how such a life-altering global conflict has managed to remain off the radar for so long in the first place."

The Pacific starts this Sunday at 9:00 PM on HBO.

Obama Outlines Measures To Appease Republicans On Health Reform

2010-03-03T06:07:00.001-08:00

President Obama is set to speak today on his plans for continuing to push for the passage of his embattled health care reform bill, hoping to highlight areas where he has incorporated Republican ideas.
Among the proposals that the White House feels will generate support across the aisle are the following:

State Health Care Lotteries: the idea of providing an exciting health care lottery based on the already popular state lotteries where the uninsured can buy scratch-off tickets which award prizes ranging from a free physical to major organ transplants is currently catching fire among Republicans.

Tax cuts for the wealthy: considerable steam is gathering around the notion that tax breaks for the country's wealthiest citizens have a positive "trickle down" effect on the health of the lower classes. Seeing a guy from uptown driving around in a new Lexus has been shown to motivate people dying from untreated disease to want to fight on a bit longer. Why focus negative energy on your impending death when you can use it to achieve the wider goal of purchasing a luxury sedan?

"Survivor: Health Care Island"- Republican lawmakers and CBS are in serious discussions to produce a health care-themed version of the popular reality television series. Details remain vague but participants would fight it out over several weeks, resulting in the winner being awarded health care for themselves and qualifying family members (subject to cancellation based on pre-existing conditions).

Historic Bipartisan Accord, Democrats and Republicans Agree That 2008 Election "Is Over"

2010-02-25T20:07:00.000-08:00

In a historic summit on health care reform, Democrats and Republicans finally put aside the bipartisan bickering of the past year to agree that the 2008 presidential election "is over."
The breakthrough came during a tense moment in which Senator John McCain (R-AZ) accused the Democrats of "backroom deals" leading up to the health care bill, drawing the following response from president Obama: "The election's over." The historic agreement came just seconds later when McCain retorted, "Well, I'm reminded of that everyday."
In addition to this groundbreaking mutual understanding, both Democrats and Republicans appeared to have tacit agreements in place on the following points at the end of the seven hour session:

John A. Boehner's (R - OH) tan just "doesn't look right"
Hot wings can be "delicious", especially while watching a sporting event
Sophia Loren is still "very doable"
It's acceptable to hold a spouse's purse at times, but the duration should not surpass 10 minutes
The A-Team movie remake will "most likely be awesome"
Auto-tune is dead

NBC OLYMPIC LINEUP, 2/18/10

2010-02-18T14:55:00.000-08:00

5:00-5:30- Bob Costas And Chris Collinsworth Talk About Collinsworth's Puffy Ski Jacket

5:30-9:30- CURLING, Quarterfinals, Algeria vs. Andorra and Ghana vs. American Samoa

9:30-9:45- LIVE: Men's Downhill, Val d'Isère, 1968

9:45-11:00- Bob Costas joins Dean of Harvard Medical School, Dr. Jeffrey S. Flier, Nelson Mandela, and Willie Ames to discuss the latest on skiier Lindsey Vonn's shin

11:00-12:00 LIVE: Olympic snowboarder Shaun White looks at himself and brushes his hair.

New Ben Laden Tape Surfaces , Calls Leno "Great Hack"

2010-01-24T09:42:00.001-08:00

The latest audio tape attributed to terrorist fugitive Osama Ben Laden appears to be authentic, with the world's number one most wanted lashing out at late night comic Jay Leno as "The Great Satans's Great Hack" and picking the upstart New York Jets to advance to the Super Bowl.
"Sanchez is growing from boy to man, take the Jets plus the point over the Colts," says the 9/11 mastermind.
In addition to the NFL, Ben Laden also weighs in on the late-night feud between Jeno Leno and Conan O'Brien, predicting that the "great, fiery Albino would rise again to take glory from Infidel Chin, probably on Showtime."
The on-going marital troubles of stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also come under the scrutiny of the Saudi, calling their union "an unholy mess of facial hair, tabloids, and adoptions", but seemed to allude to Jolie's potential availability, saying "I've got like 18 kids so if you like a guy with paternal instincts, give me a buzz Angie and we can do this."

After Supreme Court Ruling, C-SPAN To Change Designation For House, Senate Members

2010-01-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

Following the Supreme Court's decision to lift corporate donations for political campaigns, C-SPAN has decided to change the way in which members of Congress are identified on its channel. Traditionally, C-SPAN will show a politician's party affiliation, followed by his or her state; for example, Barbara Boxer (D-CA) indicates that Ms. Boxer is a Democrat from California. Under the new system, party affiliation would still be shown, but the state would be replaced by the main donors to the politician's party.
Senator Joe Lieberman, for example, would be designated as (I-Purdue Pharma, Lehman Bros, UBS AG, Aetna Inc, General Dynamics).
"We realize that this is a bit cumbersome," says program director Harold Felterman. "But we think that this is the best way to let people know where their legislators are really coming from."
While C-SPAN feels that the move will prove to be popular among its viewers, members of Congress are already aghast at the new changes.
"This is a travesty, pure and simple," said Congressman Joe Wilson (R-BlueCross/Blue Shield, AstraZeneca PLC, Texla Energy, Hooters, Gus' Guns, Grits, and Gals). "I care too much about the great Palmetto State to have them take it away from me."
Other, however, think that allowing for more transparency is not necessarily a bad thing. "People should know as much as possible about their representatives," says Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-American Dental Association, American Nurses Assn, Botox Cosmetic, Suleiman's S&M Warehouse). "Plus, it will make us think twice about the donations we take."

Democrat Achievements With "Super" Majority

2010-01-19T21:05:00.001-08:00

Following Scott Brown's shocking victory in tonight's special election to fill the late Edward Kennedy's senate seat, Slagmag looks back at the considerable achievements that came during the Democratic "super"majority:

• Voted to definitively, once and for all, declare Miller Lite "less filling."

• Successfully taught Senator Byrd how to send a text message.

• Saved 15% on their auto insurance by switching to Geico.

• Embroidered 60 turtlenecks with "SM" for "Super Majority" but were
later told by Nancy Pelosi that it also meant "something else."

• Stuck a "Kick Me" sign on Lieberman's back on the Senate floor.

After Power Sharing Truce Fails, Armed Skirmishes Erupt Between Conan and Leno Loyalists

2010-01-12T16:14:00.001-08:00

After UN-sponsored talks between Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno failed to broker an agreement today, loyalists on both sides have reportedly been engaging in sporadic street skirmishes around Burbank and Universal City.
Periodic dispatches from both the BBC and Agence-France Press report that several groups of young men calling themselves the "Pompadour Boys" were clashing with large numbers of Leno supporters in front of a Glendale Denny's.
According to members of the "Chin Brigade", several "pale, skinny punks" walked across the street from a neighboring Starbucks to taunt them with cries of "Down with the Chin", resulting in several fights breaking out.
"I didn't survive Korea to have some albino freak ruin 'The Tonight Show' in just 6 months," said Patrick "Fitty" Fitzgerald, 79. "O'Brien can burn in hell for all I care."
Passions ran just as high among O'Brien partisans today who were reportedly using their parents' basements and local comic book shops as staging grounds for further attacks against Leno and his followers.
"This is serious shit," explains 28 year-old graphic designer Ethan Templeton. "It hurts me to think that I may be dead before seeing the season premiere of 'Lost' but if that's what it takes to bring down Leno then so be it," said Templeton, taking a deep draw from his caramel macchiato.
As news of the violence made its way to the state capital, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger pleaded for calm on both sides and, borrowing a line from his acclaimed role as "Mr. Freeze" in "Batman and Robin", said "everybody chill out."

Republicans Call For Reid To Step Down, "Making inappropriate racial comments is our bag," says GOP leader

2010-01-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

Comments in a new book "Game Change" by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) in which he describes then candidate Barack Obama as "light-skinned" with "no Negro dialect unless he wanted to have one," have electrified the Beltway this weekend.
While Democrats have accepted Reid's apology to President Obama and wish to turn the page, Republicans are aghast that Reid would dare tread into what has always been their bread and butter, the inappropriate racial comment and/or gaffe.
"This clearly shows a Democratic party that is devoid of ideas and must now resort to lifting things from our playbook," says GOP chairman Michael Steele, who just recently used the term "Honest Injun" during an interview with Fox's Sean Hannity. "If this were any other setting, we would be talking about this as plagiarism."
Republican state senator Mike Parry (R-MN) went even further, calling Reid "a two-bit hack who brings nothing original to the business of inappropriate racial comments. He was clearly riffing off my 'arrogant black man' tweet (see above) and I'm going to call him out on it."
While it appears that Reid has no intention of stepping down, Republican strategist Tex Saunders has some advice for the embattled lawmaker: "When it comes to racist comments and overt approval of segregation, we are a cross between Babe Ruth and Optimus Prime. So if you want to come into our house, you better step your game up and get some better material."
Honest I
njun on

New TSA Recruitment Video

2010-01-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

Nude Runner Apprehended Near White House

2010-01-07T14:31:00.001-08:00

The Secret Service took a man into custody Wednesday after he was found running naked a few blocks from the White House. The man was led away without further incident and said simply, "please don't tell Hillary about this."

Bristol Palin To Start Public Relations, Consulting Firm

2010-01-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

Bristol Palin, 19, has filed paperwork to start her own public relations firm. Both Democrats and Republicans applauded the move, saying that America could really use a good joke right now.

No Means No

2009-12-24T11:22:00.000-08:00

This morning Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) accidentally said "no" during the vote on the health care reform bill that he has spent months fighting for. Reid blamed the gaff on fatigue and a particularly awkward elevator ride with a "handsy" Nancy Pelosi just moments before the vote.

Millions Rejoice As Dream Of Being Able To Purchase Overpriced Health Insurance Becomes Reality

2009-12-20T12:58:00.001-08:00

After decades of not even being offered the possibility of buying overpriced health insurance for their families, millions of middle-class Americans are now within reach of being able to spend a huge amount of their annual income on medical costs.

"I'm excited about being able to get into some insurance that doesn't cover a lot of what I need and at the same time has a pretty heafty deductible," explains homemaker Samantha Jenkins from Mobile, Alabama. "I think this bill is going to do that for me."
At one time, however, it looked as if Jenkins' dream would never come to pass. In fact, it took a robust bidding session on Ebay to secure senator Ben Nelson's (D-NE) crucial 60th vote.
"Ben finally came on board when we agreed to name Lincoln 'The Coolest City In The World', throw in an undisclosed amount of cash, and of course, pay for shipping," said senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV). "I think we can all be proud of the work we've put in on this bill."

5 US Students Detained in Pakistan, "Al-Qaida only company hiring in this economy," says youth

2009-12-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

As the FBI and Pakistani authorities continue to investigate five young Americans arrested in Pakistan this week, a clearer picture of their motivation has begun to emerge.
"Do you know how hard it is to get a job in this economy," asked student Ramy Zamzam, one of the young men being held. "Al-Qaida has an excellent internship program, offers cutting edge training, 3 square meals a day, and a very good HMO," explains Zanzam. "My old job at Circuit City couldn't even come close to this."
American intelligence officials are worried that this new type of recruitment may have already become a growing trend. "We picked up chatter in South Waziristan about macchiatos and lattes," says a CIA analyst who refused to be named. "We think several American baristas joined the Taliban when their hours were cut earlier this year."

Climate Conference Update, "Heat From Tiger Wood's Pants Contributing To Global Warming," says scientist

2009-12-07T14:31:00.000-08:00

A team of researchers from UC Santa Barbara is scheduled to present a groundbreaking paper on the correlation between golfer Tiger Woods' pants and global warming."We had been noticing tremedous peaks in ozone levels wherever major PGA events were being held," explains Dr. Terrence Morganthal, expert in atmospheric chemistry. It was first thought that all PGA tour members contributed equally to the increased temperature spikes, but the group began to isolate Woods by comparing the data with tournaments in which he did not appear."The difference was night and day," says Dr. Morganthal. "Tiger's pants generate a phenomenal amount of heat, even surpassing the heat produced by John Daly's stomach."While almost certain of the short-term effects that Tiger Woods' groin heat has on the ozone layer, researchers remain divided on the best course of action to take.
"Some believe that a lack of mistresses may actually serve to increase heat levels in Tiger's pants, which would be detrimental," posits Dr. Morganthal. "Others take the contrary view that a rapid drop-off in mistresses will allow for a gradual cooling off of Woods' pants."
Only time will tell.

The SlagCast for December 4th, 2009

2009-12-04T19:55:00.000-08:00

Karzai Hints That He's Ready To Talk To The Taliban

2009-12-03T15:51:00.001-08:00

Afghan president Hamid Karzai says that he is open to talking to the Taliban and has made public a handful of icebreakers that he might use for any eventual meeting:

• "Don't tell anybody but I actually hate the U.S. too! Seriously, I'm just playing with these guys. They are such tools!"

•"Raise your hand if you still want to decapitate me. Really? Ok, I'll be honest. I didn't expect to see all those hands."

•"Look out! There's a figgity guy in the corner with a backpack, wires coming out of his belt, reciting the Koran! Oh, he's with you guys? My bad."

•"Gentlemen, let's cut to the chase. Anyone who agrees to work with the central government is going to walk out of here today with a complementary Wii gaming console, complete with Mario Jihadi Kart as a special gift!"

The SlagCast for November 23rd, 2009

2009-11-24T14:20:00.000-08:00

Slagmag Audio Photo Commentary

2009-11-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

Lunar Ice Discovery Sets Off Dispute Between Canadian, Norwegian Curling Associations

2009-11-13T16:31:00.001-08:00

Cumberland, Ontario- As word spread that a large amount of ice had been discovered on the moon, two curling powerhouses sought to stake a claim on the virgin ice."That ice should belong to Canada, eh," said Canadian Curling Association chair Graham Prouse. "Not to brag, but we are currently ranked 1 in the world, and I've been told that these rankings extend well into outer space."
Norwegian Curling Association general secretary Frode Myrvang, however, disagrees. "With all the respect due to the Canadians, I think we have every right to that ice. I mean, we are fucking Vikings. Space fucking Vikings. And we are currently 3rd in the world. Perhaps the Canadians should stop quinching their thirst on Haterade."
Not all curling federations, however, are concerned with this new find. Scotland's curling club president Bill Marshall believes that any talk of making a claim is "premature.""We will wait and see what the Americans do," explains Marshall. "They've made it clear they intend to destroy the moon sometime in the future and I suspect they will follow through."

Focus Now Turns To Senate Where Lieberman Promises To "Really Douche It Up"

2009-11-08T10:20:00.003-08:00

Just moments after House Democrats passed a historic reform bill on health care, Senator Joe Lieberman (I) from Connecticut promised his Senate colleagues that he planned "to really douche it up" when the bill arrives on the Senate floor.
"Remember when everybody though I was a douche when I supported Bush on the Iraq war," asked Lieberman. "Well, like that cooking show guy used to say, I'm going to douche it up a notch," assured the controversial lawmaker. "You might even say that I plan to filibust-a-move," appearing to make reference to an obscure and certainly outdated hip hop song.
Lieberman, however, will seem to have his work cut out for him in the upcoming Douchapalooza, as Republican Senator Lindsey Graham (SC) has make it clear that he will be the "man to beat" if things get douchy.
"With all due respect to my colleague from Connecticut, anybody who follows the Sunday talk show circuits know that I will douche it up with anybody, anytime, any place," said Graham. "With my annoying drawl, sanctimonious tone, and used car salesman look, I like my chances against anybody, even against Joe."

Amid Health Care Debate, One Question Lingers: "Who The Fuck Is That Guy?"

2009-11-06T21:32:00.001-08:00

In a last ditch effort to dissuade Congress from passing a historic health care reform package, Republicans descended on the Capitol today, led by Michelle Bachmann (MN) and a man described by one onlooker as "an older creepy Christopher Walken."
As party heavyweights like Bachmann swore that "Democrats were going to listen," questions swirled about the identity of the older gentleman, with several protesters proclaiming that "it's totally the dude from the A-Team."
While the A-Team faction grew increasingly loud as the morning wore on, a handful of groups continued to voice their own idea about who the man was, with opinions ranging from, "Sting has gotten really fucking old, man", to "That's the dad from 'Family Ties', and "That's bloody Michael Caine, who is British, so why is he even here."
In the end, however, the speaker's hatred of Barack Obama made the impossibility of placing him a secondary matter.

Bronx Bombers WIn 27th Title

2009-11-05T19:53:00.001-08:00

The New York Yankees won their 27th World Series yesterday, defeating the defending champion Philadelphia Phillies, 4 games to 2. New York City is planning a victory parade on Friday, where highlights will include each player flying across the skyline in individual 24-carat gold-plated fighter jets. Wall Street bankers and various Latin American dignitaries are also expected to attend en masse with the hopes of picking up any loose change that might fall out of A-Rod's pockets.

Obama Routed in New Jersey, Virginia

2009-11-04T16:23:00.001-08:00

President Obama's ambitious bid to become governor of New Jersey and Virginia as a sitting president was dashed by resounding Republican victories on Tuesday.
"This should be seen as a clear message that the voters will not tolerate the president governing other states while in office," said GOP chair Michael Steele. "It also shows that Americans hate the Chicago White Sox and people who play basketball in their free-time and use a Blackberry."
House Minority Whip, John Boehner of Ohio, also shared Steele's assessment, calling last night's election results "the single greatest political defeat in the history of American politics."
"What we saw in New Jersey and Virginia is a clear repudiation of health care reform, the Democratic party, Portuguese water dogs, and women named Michelle," hammered Boehner.
After such a runaway, lopsided defeat, only time will tell if President Obama will somehow avoid a looming impeachment and make it to the 2012 elections in time to be soundly defeated.

Too Close To Call in Jersey

2009-11-03T09:31:00.001-08:00

The gubernatorial battle between incumbent Jon Corzine (D) and challenger Chris Christie is going down to the wire. The only prediction that pundits are making with certainty is that Christie will have lunch twice.

Kosovo Honors Clinton

2009-11-02T06:10:00.001-08:00

Bill Clinton made a trip to Kosovo this weekend to attend the unveiling of a statue honoring him for his efforts to free the ethnic Albanians from Serbian rule. While generally pleased with the work, some local artists feel that historical accuracy was sacrified by depicting Clinton with his pants up.

Biden, "Stimulus has created 65 billion good jobs"

2009-10-31T08:04:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC- Vice-president Joe Biden touted the Obama administration's economic reform efforts yesterday, claiming that the president's plans had helped create, "like 65 billion good jobs or something."
In addition, to many new jobs related to rebuilding the country's deteriorating infrastructure, Biden outlined other sectors that had seen "sustained and awesome growth," including:

-Home-based employment seeking technicians (up 25%)

-Mobile self-charity seekers (up 57%)

-Community college students in the their twenties/early thirties (up 89%)

-You Can Make $8,794.32 a Month Working Part-Time From Home! (up 38%)

-Yahoo Bloggers (up 14%)

-Pre-Business Plan, Capital Investment, Workable Business Model and Marketable Idea/Concept Entrepreneurs (up 117%)

-Material Wealth Does Not Equate to Happiness Counselors (up 92%)

"This is just the beginning," explains Biden. "Next quarter should see another 920 million jobs created and that's not even including the expected growth from our Martian space colony. Looks like this recession just got Bidenated," said the vice-president, appearing to create a previously unknown verb from his own name.

Yanks Too Big To Fail, Assures Geithner

2009-10-29T05:52:00.000-07:00

After panic swept the nation following the New York Yankees Game 1 loss to the Philadelphia Phillies last night, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner reassured the public that the "Yankees are too big to fail."
"As our nation's financial institutions slowly make their way to recovery, the failure of a $2 billion ball club is just not the kind of message that we want to send out right now," explained Geithner. "It gives the impression that you can't buy everything with money, which does not at all mesh with the whole capitalism thing."
Although the secretary did not provide a clear timeline for an eventual Yankee stimulus package, he did reveal that he is already working with Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig to prop up the Yankees.
"Commissioner Bud Selig and I have discussed a few measures to keep the Yankees solvent in this series," said Geithner. "We may look at a way to require a few Phillies' hitters to hit with whiffle ball bats or possibly give the Yankees an extra 4th out each inning."
When asked by journalists what might transpire if such measures fail to boost the Yankees, Geither made it clear that failure was not an option. "If the Yankees were to continue to falter, we would than consider removing the Phillies from the Series and replacing them with their scrappy AA affiliate in Reading."

McDonald's Exits Iceland

2009-10-26T16:21:00.001-07:00

Iceland's three McDonald's franchises will be closed due to the sharp devaluation of the country's currency, the krona. Plans, however, are already in place to launch a more afforable chain under the name of Taco Björk.

Mystery Continues Around NWA Flight

2009-10-25T12:36:00.001-07:00

Investigators continue to probe into the Minneapolis bound Northwest Airlines flight that overshot its destination by 150 miles. While it has yet to be determined what happened, the pilots' silence and obvious confusion may indicate that somebody had turned on the new "Jay Leno Show" in the cockpit.

Dallas Police Cite Woman For Not Speaking English

2009-10-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

A Dallas police officer is in hot water for issuing a ticket to a woman for "not speaking English." Chief of Police David Kunkle, however, has assured that the citation against Ariana Huffington will be dismissed.

George W. Bush To Join Public Speaking Tour

2009-10-22T14:09:00.001-07:00

George W. Bush will participate this month in a public speaking
seminar called "Get Motivated." Bush says that while he's excited
about the event, he wished that they had gone with his original title
of "Get More Motivationess."

Rio Looks To Add New Events to 2016 Games

2009-10-21T09:11:00.000-07:00

Brazil's announced plans to add new events to the 2016 Rio games, including:

200m Run From A Crazed Slum Lord Kingpin Dash

Pele versus Everyone (competitors from around the world are invited to be defeated by the futbol great's Brazil-sized ego at basically everything)

Sensualathon (particpiants will compete to be a sensual as possiblein 10 challenging settings)

Spot the Tranny Triathalon (this is a standard Olympic triathalon but competitors will receive bonus points for correctly spotting trannies placed along the course)

Samba or Death (athletes will be randomly abducted on their way outof the Olympic Village and forced to samba. The winner will proceed unharmed while the losers will be torn apart by illiterate street urchins, living in abject poverty)

Karzai Agrees to November 7th Run-off

2009-10-20T06:04:00.001-07:00

Afghan president Hamid Karzai has agreed to a run-off election November 7th with his top challenger. All Afghans who voted in the first round, and who still have appendages with which to vote, are encouraged to participate.

Teen Sets Out To Sea On Solo Quest

2009-10-18T11:51:00.001-07:00

16-year-old Australian Jessica Watson began a solo round-the-world yacht voyage this weekend. Watson's journey is expected to finally prove the long-held belief that teenage girls will do anything to get away from their parents.

NJ Gubernatorial Race Hits Home Stretch

2009-10-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

Incumbent governor Jon Corzine (D) has come under attack for negative ads that use challenger Chris Christie's (above) weight as rationale for not voting for him. This, of course, raises several questions, first and foremost: since when can somebody be too fat for New Jersey?

Bubble Burst

2009-10-16T14:27:00.001-07:00

6 year-old Falcon Henne, who captivated the world yesterday as "ballon Boy", claims that he did the whole thing "for the show." That's right, so be on the lookout for "So Your Dad's a Douchebag" Wednesdays on Fox.

Driving Like A Kennedy

2009-10-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

Reputable news source TMZ.com has released photos of California First Lady Maria Shriver talking on her cell phone behind the wheel. Governor Schwarzenegger has publicly stated that he will take "swift action", virtually assuring that he will be using a "nookie-free" handset for a least the next several weeks.

Winfrey Lawsuit

2009-10-13T09:01:00.001-07:00

A former flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey's private plane is suing the talk show queen for wrongful termination. Oprah claims that the plaintif had sex with the pilot during flight, while the plaintif says she just misunderstood what "O" Magazine was all about.

Qaddafi UN Speech

2009-09-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

Libyan strongman spoke before the UN General Assembly today, and several of the controversial leader's comments are already making news:

• "CSI: Miami? Is this for real? How are we to believe that a great, red-head albino could survive in the heat of Miami. The Supreme Guide is calling bullshit on that one."

• "$5 foot long, my ass! We just came out of a Manhattan Subway and it was like $7.10 with tax. More propaganda and lies from El Grande Satan. Yeah, that's Spanish."

• "I won't stand up here and pretend that coyotes ran away with Jessica Simpson's dog. I will give you a little clue though. It starts with J and ends with E-W-S."

• "Ok, I'll close with a Libyan joke: in my country, a bald newborn is a sign of prosperity. But a newborn with lots of hair is a sign that it's time to find that son of a bitch John Edwards."

Iraqi Journalist Claims Torture

2009-09-16T08:53:00.000-07:00

Muntadar al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who hurled his shows at George W. Bush, claims that he was tortured by Iraqi authorities. Apparently, the television in his cell only received NBC.

Serena Williams Apology

2009-09-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

After a heated altercation with a female line judge at the US Open this weekend, tennis champ Serena Williams now says that she wished "she could give her a hug." Williams added that she'd like to start the hug in a dark alley and finish it in the trunk of a Lincoln
Towncar at Pier 42.

Bush Commemorates 9/11 As Private Citizen

2009-09-11T10:56:00.000-07:00

For the first time in eight years, George W. Bush commemorated the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks as a private citizen. Political instincts, however, die hard, as Bush scared the customers of a Dallas Starbucks by raising the national threat level to "Venti."

Obama Touts Value of Education

2009-09-08T14:04:00.000-07:00

Today President Obama gave a speech to students in Arlington, VA., stressing the virtues of practice, perseverance, and a strong belief in oneself. Afterwords, Obama invited two lucky students to a book burning and a tour of the Eagle's Nest.

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Granted Early Release

2009-08-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

Muntadhar al-Zeidi, the Iraqi journalist who made world headlines by throwing a shoe at President Bush, is set to be released from jail three months early. As expected, the New York Mets will pick up al-Zeidi off the waiver wire on Monday.

Malaysia Bans Muslims From Attending Black Eyed Peas Concert

2009-08-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

The Malaysian Culture Ministry has banned the country's Muslims from attending a September 25th concert by the Black Eyed Peas in Kuala Lumpur. Sources say that many Non-Muslims have filed petitions to have the ban apply to them as well.

Sanford Resists Calls For Resignation

2009-08-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

Embattled South Carolina governor Mark Sanford responded strongly today to calls from his own lieutenant governor that he resign, saying, "I won't be railroaded out of office, unless of course 'railroading' is a euphemism for a kinky sex act, because if so, I'd probably be into it."

Appelate Court Denies Patterson Pick

2009-08-20T19:45:00.001-07:00

A New York appellate court has ruled that Gov. David Patterson acted illegally when he pick a lieutenant governor last July. When asked to comment on the ruling, Patterson said, "Who are you? How the hell did you get in here? Do I have pants on?"

Track and Field

2009-08-20T06:50:00.001-07:00

South African sprinter Caster Semenya may be stripped of her 1st place finish in Berlin, as doubts over her gender have emerged. Officials first became suspicious when Semenya was seen on the 800m starting line with what looked to be a javelin and two shot puts in her shorts.

Mozart Study

2009-08-18T13:08:00.001-07:00

Dutch researchers claim in a new paper that Mozart may have died from complications due to strep throat. House and Senate Republicans immediately called it another horror story of European socialized medicine.

Tom Delay To "Dance With The Stars"

2009-08-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay is set to participate in this fall's "Dancing With The Stars". Sources say that he has already begun working on a routine tentatively titled the "How Much Is It Going To Take To Get To These Judges" samba.

Democractic People's Republic of Korea, Press Release (For Immediate Release)

2009-08-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

Pyongyang- General Secretary of the Worker's Party of Korea, Kim Jong Il, received former president Bill Clinton in a most welcoming and cordial fashion. The two beloved leaders, whose mere presence together brought immense joy to the entire planet, spoke for several minutes on
topics ranging from Kim Jong Il's excellent complexion and muscular torso to Kim Jong Il's ability to reverse the course of rivers with his mind. They also discussed his melodious baritone singing voice.
After meeting with First Vice-Minister of Foreign Affairs, Kang Sok Ju, both men set out for the People's Great Gymnasium, where they engaged in a heroic game of M-A-L-E-V-O-L-E-N-T H-E-G-E-M-O-N, the Korean version of most famous basketball game of H-O-R-S-E. Our "Dear
Leader" used a most impressive array of long-range shooting and spectacular dunks to defeat Bill Clinton in 10 straight games. After doing several reps of clean chin-ups, Kim Jong Il then graciously brought the two American journalists/visitors to Mr. Clinton. As the two ladies could not take their eyes off the "Dear Leader", Kim Jong Il had to implore them to agree to leave our nation with Mr. Clinton. They reluctantly agreed but exchanged e-mail addresses and Twitter handles with everyone in order to stay in touch. As the delegation boarded the plane, Kim Jong Il entertained the thrilled onlookers with his breakdancing.

Bill Clinton In North Korea

2009-08-04T06:32:00.001-07:00

President Bill Clinton has arrived in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang to negotiate the release of two American journalists held since March. Sources say that Clinton agreed to the visit because he thought that "take a trip to the Hermit Kingdom" was a euphemism.

Terrorist Plot Foiled in North Carolina

2009-07-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

Federal authorities have annonced the arrest of 7 men in North Carolina on the grounds that they were planning a terrorist attack. Defense attorneys, however, claim that their clients were merely screaming "yee-ha" and not "Jihad" while driving on some Hazzard County backroads.

Walk Across America

2009-07-24T05:29:00.001-07:00

Vietnamese immigrant Sinh Tho Nguyen from Fort Worth, Texas has walked over 1,000 miles in his quest to cross his adopted country on foot. The 40 year-old water meter reader came up with the idea as a way to honor the country that has given him so much. Somebody, however, should have explained to Nguyen that getting that much exercise is the most un-American thing you can do.

Knife In Video A Gift From Supporter

2009-07-23T15:34:00.001-07:00

Engraving: "I love to see a politician that ain't afraid to cut a bitch, I mean budget. Your friend, O.J.

"Naked" Cowboy Annonces Run For Mayor

2009-07-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

Times Square's iconic "Naked" cowboy has announced his plans to run for mayor in next fall's election. Empire State political pundits, however, are perplexed by his choice because everybody knows that if you aspire to run around without pants at work, you need to be governor.

Role Not Diminished, says Clinton

2009-07-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is denying reports that President Obama is minimizing her role in foreign policy decisions. As proof, Clinton provided details on her latest mission: tense negotiations for extra wonton with Panda Express.

After 2nd Full-Day, Sotomayor Still Won't Admit She Hates White Men

2009-07-15T06:39:00.001-07:00

Both Democrats and Republicans grilled Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor yesterday on a variety of issues in the 2nd full day of her confirmation hearing, but were unable to get her to admit to hating white men.
"Judge Sotomayor, can you really sit here and pretend that you don't hate me," asked Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. "I'm white, I play golf, I'm smug, and I generally take a pretty pissy tone with people. So come on, you know that you want to call me a white boy right now, don't you?
Senator John Kyl of Arizona asked Sotomayor to explain her position on the 2nd Amendment, but quickly came back to the key issue of her ardent, yet hidden hatred of middle-aged white men."Judge Sotomayor, I'm just really picking up a vibe from you that says and I quote, 'Talk to the hand, gringo', followed by a big eye roll," said Kyl. "Is this not accurate?"
Jeff Sessions of Alabama went so far as to hold up a picture of Lou Dobbs to see if it would get any reaction from the nominee and then asked that James Taylor's "Carolina In My Mind" be played in the senate chamber.
"Are you telling this panel that you are not violently opposed to seeing Lou Dobbs's face? And you can sit through a James Taylor song without thinking of fomenting a Latina led overthrow of the US government? Frankly, you are starting to sound like Justice Roberts."

McCain Hits One Million Followers

2009-07-14T15:22:00.001-07:00

Senator John McCain now has more than one million followers on the social networking site Twitter. McCain went on to say that the last time he had this many people following him was when he tried to drive his PT Cruiser in the fast lane.

Senate Confirmation Hearing

2009-07-13T22:48:00.001-07:00

Judge Sonia Sotomayor's much awaited senate confirmation hearing began today. When asked to give her judicial philosophy, Sotomayor responded with "Fidelity to the law." This may cost her votes among GOP senators, whose mantra these days is more: "Fidelity? Ah hell naw!"

Palin To Stump For Republicans and Democrats

2009-07-12T08:48:00.001-07:00

Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin plans to remain active in national politics and says that she would even support a Democrat. That is provided that they share her core principals of ocassional abstinence, cutting and running, and fabulous shopping sprees.

Panetta Stops Secret Program

2009-07-10T10:44:00.000-07:00

CIA Director Leon Panetta has reportedly shut down a covert program that was launched just days after the 9/11 attacks. Describing it as "serious" and "large in scope", Panetta explained that the program was directly responsible for the creation and dissemination of "Hannah Montana" and "The Rachel Ray Show".

G-8 Summit

2009-07-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has reportedly prepared an ambitious agenda for today's meeting of world leaders:

1). Global Warming (in my pants)
2). Government's Role in Stimulus Spending (what percentage of GDP should go directly to brothels?)
3). Hot, Tight Racks.
4). How to Stay Tan Year Around
5). If You Were Really Torn Up And It Was Dark and Nobody Was Around, Would You Take A Crack At Angela Merkel?
6). The Thong: It's Past, Present, and Future.
7). Monica Belluci or Salma Hayak: Discuss.

So Long, Sarah!

2009-07-04T08:02:00.001-07:00

Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin shocked the political world with her resignation on July 4th. The ex-beauty queen cited a desire to spend more time with her family as the reason behind the move. She also plans to spend more time persuing her passion of hunting and has set
her sights on the one elusive prize that has always alluded her: credibilty.

You Are The Plutonium Beneath My Wings

2009-07-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

According to reports, North Korea successfully tested 3 short-range missiles on Thursday. To honor Kim Jong-il's taste in eyewear, the missiles were named the Liza, the Babs, and the Bette.

Norm Coleman Vows To "Continue to Work For Minnesota", Work on Basketball Hoop for Son Jacob to Start This Week

2009-07-01T07:00:00.001-07:00

Former senator Norm Coleman conceeded his bitterly contested election with Al Franken yesterday but vowed to keep working for his home state. "My immediate plans are to take out the recycling that my beautiful wife Laurie left by the back door several days ago. And the people of Minnesota and especially my wife have asked Washington for new window fixtures for years to no avail. This is going to change."Coleman also outlined his ambitious plan to learn "the Twitter" from his daughter Sarah and to finally put up his son Jacob's basketball hoop that has been in the garage since spring '07.

Warrior Poet

2009-06-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

Dick Cheney has signed a deal with Simon & Schuster to write a book on his role in the Bush White House. The tome is set to appear in spring 2011 and is ergonomically designed to double as a detainee beating device.

Ladies and Gentlemen....

2009-06-25T21:15:00.001-07:00

....please give a warm welcome to America's newest Whitest Black Guy!

Actually, we have a second strong challenger over here.

Foreign Ass...ets

2009-06-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford admitted today that he traveled to Buenos Aires to carry on an affair with an Argentinian woman. Sanford said that he was just trying to fulfill his campaign promise of picking up more Latina voters for the GOP.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

2009-06-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

President Obama admitted this week that he ocassionally "falls off the wagon" when it comes to smoking. He insisted, however, that the smoke breaks were "infrequent" and mainly just an excuse to get away from Joe Biden.

Regime Change? First Start With His Depends.

2009-06-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

Something tells me that you could topple Ayatollah Khamenei's regime by asking him to use a tv remote.

National Intelligence Assessment

2009-06-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

In light of recent events, the Directorate of National Intelligence has released an updated list of threats to national security. Topping the list is North Korea, while Al-Qaida comes in second. A surprising 3rd was NBC's Al Roker.

I Smoked That Fly, Fool!

2009-06-18T14:21:00.000-07:00

President Obama is facing criticism for swatting a fly during a television interview this week. Even Dick Cheney said it showed bad judgement because the fly obviously should have been detained and waterboarded first.

Isn't this called Titter?

2009-06-17T20:53:00.001-07:00

Actress Linsday Lohan published a topless photo of herself today on the social networking site Twitter. As expected, critics are up in arms, calling it without a doubt the best work of her career.

Somebody's watching me

2009-06-16T21:56:00.000-07:00

Jury selection has begun in the trial of former-congressman from Louisiana William Jefferson. 4 years ago federal agents raided his home and found $90,000 hiden in a deep-freezer. Legal experts expect that Jefferson will use the "That's just the money I've saved by switching to Geico" defense.

Switch to digital

2009-06-15T16:45:00.000-07:00

An estimated 800,000 people called a special hotline during Friday's switch from analog to digital. The number one complaint from callers was "there's some black guy on tv who keeps saying he's the president."

Back off, it's Biden Time!

2009-06-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

Today on "Meet the Press", vice-president Joe Biden explained that president Obama has made no major decision without first consulting him. In fact, just last Friday Biden was brought in to make a bang-bang decision on what insiders are calling "Operation Pan Vs. Thin Crust."

Certifiable

2009-06-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed victory on Saturday in Iran's presidential elections amid widespread allegations of fraud by challenger Mir-Hossein Moussavi. In response to these allegations, Ahmadinejad has requested that former secretary of state of Florida, Kathleen Harris, be allowed to come to Teheran to certify the outcome.

He ain't heavy, he's just my dumbass, born again, Republican brother

2009-06-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

Actor Stephen Baldwin's NY home was put up for auction today when the bank rejected his demand to restructure his debt. Despite repeated requests, the Bank of Alec Baldwin has refused to comment on the matter.

I've got wood, babe

2009-06-11T20:49:00.001-07:00

Chastity Bono, daughter of singer Cher and Sonny Bono, has announced her plans to have a sex change. According to a rep, she has also filed a petition to legally change her name to Chastity Boner.

You're Fired!

2009-06-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

Donald Trump and the Miss USA Organization fired Miss California USA Carrie Prejean today for contract violations. A spokesman for Prejean said that while the firing was a surprise, it would give her more time for her charity work of providing silicone to underdeveloped teens.

Getting Holy Up in Here

2009-06-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

A recent analysis of president Obama's speeches has revealed that the current commander-in-chief evokes Jesus Christ more than his predecessor George W. Bush. Of course, if you had inherited the White House from Bush, you probably be saying Jesus Christ a lot too.

Bronx Bimbo

2009-06-08T07:19:00.001-07:00

Alaska governor Sarah Palin and husband Todd took in a Yankees game with the Giulianis this weekend. They had a great time, but there was a tense moment in the 7th when Palin drew a gun after being startled by Rudy's combover.

Cuba Libre

2009-06-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

A 30-year State Department veteran and his wife were arrested this week on allegations that they spied for Cuba for decades. According to reports, the couple were the masterminds behind the insidious plot to make Americans buy and pretend to like the "Buena Vista Social Club" soundtrack back in '97.

Minister of T&A

2009-06-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is in hot water with his wife over pics of nude women attending a party at his villa. Berlusconi denied inviting the women and claims that they crashed his party with some guy named William Clintonini.

Swine Who?

2009-06-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

Reports that NY Mets players Carlos Beltran and John Maine had contacted the swine flu have turned out to be false. Team doctors, however, were worried because that kind of choking and cold-sweats is usually only seen in September.

King Baby

2009-06-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

NBA star LeBron James has been taking a lot of flak this week over his refusal to speak with the media after losing in the Eastern Conference Finals. Lebron's agent is calling it a misunderstanding and has invited the press over to Lebron's playpen to work things out over juice and graham crackers.

GM Update

2009-06-01T13:25:00.001-07:00

General Motors completed it's bankruptcy filing today and has already begun plans on it's latest green vehicle, the Biden, which apparently runs entirely on hot air.

Rudy Rudy Rudy

2009-05-24T17:11:00.001-07:00

Former NY major Rudy Giuliani was accosted this weekend by a man who threatened to punch him in the mouth. A spokesman for Giuliani said that he will make a statement as soon as he thinks of a way to somehow relate this to 9/11.

Lynne Cheney

2009-05-21T11:14:00.001-07:00

After giving a speech the same day as president Obama, suspicions that
Dick Cheney intends to mount some type of shadow presidency were
further exacerbated today when Lynne Cheney was spotted in a
sleeveless dress.

Senator Byrd

2009-05-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

The longest serving senator in history, Robert Byrd of West Virginia,
has reportedly been hospitalized for a high fever. This is the first
trip to the hospital for Byrd since recovering from injuries sustained
at the Battle of Gettysburg.

Pro-Life

2009-05-15T22:57:00.001-07:00

A survey taken this week has found that 51% of Americans now describe
themselves as pro-life. The remaining 49% are those that have seen the
Duggar family on the Discoverey Channel at least once.

Message from Schuyler Colfax Jr., 17th vice-president of the United States

2009-05-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

By the power of Lincoln's majestic beard, Mr. Cheney, could you perhaps, to put it in the more modern venacular, shut the fuck up! Never has a vice-president taken more opportunities to speak at every turn, and as a representative of the Club of Former Vice-Presidents That Nobody Has Ever Heard Of, I implore you to refrain from prattling on like a little school girl.
Under President Grant, I still recall that I did not utter more than 10 words during his entire administration: "More bourbon, sir?" and "Watch out, sir, the Mrs. is afoot." I'm certain that if I had gone on and on about this so called "waterboarding" like you do in front of President Grant, I would have been subject posthaste to a bout of "boot boarding", and by this, I mean to say that the President would have inserted one of his boots well within my nether regions.
Even more galling is the fact that you have been retired of your functions for well over half a year, and yet you continue to seek every chance to talk. The other day some of the other obscure VPs, Elbridge Gerry, Richard Mentor Johnson and I were wondering what your next attack on VP tradition will be. We recalled that a common expression of our time was, "I wouldn't give a Chinaman to hear what the vice-president thinks," and we became angry thinking about how you've make a mockery of our institution. I ask you, Mr. Cheney, is a "The View with Dick Cheney" in the works? How much longer before "Today" has to add a 5th hour dedicated to your endless windbagging?
Thus, Mr. Cheney, heed this warning from the ether, otherwise I and Garret Hobart may have to return among the living to open up a burlap riding sack of whoop ass on your corpulent hide.

Regards,
Mr. Schuyler Colfax, Jr.